5 Ways We Get in Our Own Way When We Communicate

“Most relationship problems aren’t really about the topic at hand — they’re about the way we’re trying to talk about it. The good news? That’s something we can all learn to do better.”

Here’s the thing about communication: most of us were never really taught how to do it. We picked up habits, some helpful and some not so helpful, from our families, our friendships, and every relationship we’ve ever navigated.

The result? We talk over each other. We assume. We shut down or blow up. And we wonder why a conversation that started about whose turn it was to do the dishes somehow ended up being about everything that’s ever gone wrong.

Below are five of the most common communication patterns that quietly create distance and what you can try instead. Small shifts create real impact.

Listening to reply, not to understand

Be honest: while someone is still talking, are you already composing your response? We all do it. It feels productive, like we’re engaged and like we’re keeping up with the conversation. But what we’re doing is filtering everything the other person says through the lens of what we’re about to say back.

We miss nuance and we miss the actual point. And the other person can feel that they are not being heard. 

TRY THIS
Before you respond, pause. Even a two-second beat of silence signals that you’re processing — not just waiting for your turn to speak.

Responding to what you assumed, not what was said

There are times that we don’t respond to what was said.  Instead, we respond to what we assumed was meant. We fill in information with our own fears, opinions, and past experiences. And then we react to the story we created, not the one in front of us.

This is how “you seemed distracted today” becomes an argument about feeling unsupported. The jump from A to Z happens in seconds, and we often don’t even notice we’ve made it.

TRY THIS
When something feels charged, slow down and check. “Just to make sure I understood — did you mean…?” It feels small. It changes everything.

Bringing the past into present arguments

When emotions run high, we reach for evidence. And that evidence often lives in the past. “And another thing - back in March you also…” Sound familiar?

The problem isn’t that those old hurts don’t matter. It’s that dropping them into the middle of a current argument buries both conversations. The person you’re talking to stops hearing the present issue and starts defending the past. Nothing gets resolved and everything feels bigger than it is.

TRY THIS
Keep the conversation anchored to one issue at a time. If older wounds need addressing, they deserve their own space — not to be weaponised mid-argument.

Going silent instead of saying something

Sometimes silence feels like the safest option. If you don’t say anything, you can’t say the wrong thing, right? But stonewalling, shutting down, going cold or giving the silent treatment can be just as painful as harsh words.

The other person is left guessing. Anxiety fills the space where communication should be. And the original issue is not resolved. It just comes back later, bigger and more loaded than before.

TRY THIS
“I need 20 minutes to collect my thoughts, and then I really want to talk about this.” That one sentence does more than silence ever could.

Choosing the wrong moment or medium

Timing is everything, and yet we consistently underestimate it. Texting something that needs a conversation and tone. Bringing up a hard topic the moment someone walks through the door. Starting a serious conversation at 11pm when everyone’s exhausted.

Even the most thoughtful, well-intentioned words can land badly if the context is off. It’s not just what you say, it’s when, where, and how you say it. Channel matters. State of mind matters. A two-minute check-in “Is now a good time?” can change the entire trajectory of a conversation.

TRY THIS
Ask yourself: “Would this land better as a conversation than a message?” If yes, put the phone down and wait for the right moment.

The real secret? Curiosity over correctness.

The most connected people aren’t perfect communicators. They’re simply more interested in understanding than in winning. Every conversation even the hard ones is an opportunity to get a little closer. Be curious – ask more questions to understand.